journaling

Just a little disclaimer, I am journaling here, speaking from my heart so I will remember how I felt this day.  About a year and 2 months ago I was painting our front room and I heard a talk about children and i had an overwhelming feeling that we were going to have another little girl.  I was really excited because I had always wanted 5 kids.  I was 5th in my family and I wanted to have 5, I know it sounds weird, but my whole life I knew I wanted at least 5 kids. The only problem with that plan is that Aaron was very complete with 4.  He was done.  We had 4 beautiful children and he was content with 4.  After going to the baby blessing of our niece Erin Moses, Aaron and Sarah both fell in love with the baby.  I told him how I felt and he said that he would be willing to have another child.  We tried for about a year.  Every month I would get so excited and think surly this was the month I was going to get pregnant.  A few months ago, after another conference talk, I thought well it is up to Heavenly Father. If it is right for our family we will have another baby.  Well, I went to have an ultrasound on Friday because the fibroid in my uterus is gigantic and I have been having some serious period problems (like I am currently on day 10).  The technician said she couldn't even see the endometrium and couldn't really tell where the fibroid began and ended because it took over my whole uterus.  I am sad, but I am at peace.  I will probably have a hysterectomy soon.  My heart is sad, but today in church I was looking at all the couples who had a lot fewer children and were very happy with their life.  I love being a mom and especially a mom to a baby, but that time in my life has come and gone.  Now it is time to love and appreciate what I have and teach my children everything I can.  I cried a few times today. In the hall with a dear friend when I said, I am not going to have any more children and when I was talking to my parents and right now.  It is still tender.