Happiness :)

In the month of February I had the opportunity to ski with a great group of ladies for Ladies Day.  It was really refreshing and exhilarating skiing down the mountain.  It was fun to learn how to ski. I have tried numerous times to learn, but now I feel a lot more comfortable and confident in my ski boots. 

Any of you in the area, I will be doing it again next year.  Every Thursday in February :)

still a little sad

I am sorry my posts have been so down, but I feel this is a way I can express my sadness to those who love me.  Today  I have been having a hard time.  Whenever my parents have come to help me I have a little baby.  Today my belly and arms are empty.  Heavenly Father gave me four of my most precious gifts and now I really need to treasure them.  I can not say, what if, I have to move forward.  I know it will all work out, it is just a little sad.

Today while my family was at church I read this article.  What a beautiful point of view.  I haven't lost a child, just the opportunity to have more children.  I love that Heavenly Father knows me and will strengthen me through my trials (even if they seem small to others). 

a little more journaling

Yesterday finally came.  I had been battling with the insurance company until Tuesday morning about my surgery.  They didn't think it was medically necessary.  I told them that bleeding for 45 days is not medically necessary.  They relented.  Yesterday I had my hysterectomy.  The surgery went better then I expected, I have two little incisions on my side and one through my belly button.  What I wasn't prepared for was the CO2 gas that they pumped into my stomach to isolate the uterus.  It traveled and got lodged in my diaphragm and then went up my nerves to my shoulders.  This afternoon I really my dad said something funny and I started laughing and then all of a sudden I couldn't breathe.  I have never had an asthma attack, but I bet it feels similar.  I put a heat pack on and took an antacid hoping either would work. One or the other helped a lot.  I still have pain, but not nearly as much.

I cried with my mom today about never having kids again. It was a sad moment.  I love my family and my four children, but I always thought there was one more.  Who knows, one more just might come in an unexpected way :)

Thanks for all the love and support! 

Post Christmas, California wrap up

oh, Christmas was lovely.  I love having Aaron and the kids to hang out with!

Christmas eve,

We had a really quiet Christmas eve, not much fanfare.  We ate ham and potatoes by candle light.  Then sang all the Christmas hymns in the hymn book (we started out singing all the verses until we had a small revolt by David and Emma and switched to first verse only).  We then acted out the nativity,  Emma did NOT want to be Mary, but she wanted the baby.  After Luke 2 we got on our pajamas and read the grinch, (my sister Suzie always read us that on Christmas eve.) apparently I can read with my eyes closed :)

The kids slept until 7, I woke up a few times in the night excited for Christmas and literally dragged Aaron out of bed when I heard the kids stirring.

Let's see, Santa brought a cotton candy machine, by far the favorite gift!

Sarah got a desk and chair, paint by numbers picture.

Becca got curlformers, I will have to post a pic tomorrow with her curly hair.  We have done curls a few times and it looks great!

David got more trio blocks.  He loves building things.

Emma got blocks and a dream light.

As a family we got Wheel of Fortune wii, the Lorax and Brave (thanks to our neighbors the Perkins)

We ate hot shredded wheat and had eggnog.  The kids love both!  The shredded wheat tradition came from my great grandma's family, my grandma did it with her family, my mom with mine and now I do it with my family.

Then we spent the rest of the day vegging out.  Love it!

The next day Aaron went back to work and we got ready for our trip.

We went to Richfield that night where the next day Aaron had 6 surgeries.  While he was at the hospital we went swimming, had yummy hotel breakfast, McDonalds play place, and the library.  We were all ready to get going. It was snowing like crazy so it was an interesting drive to the 15, but we got there.

We stopped by Megan's house for dinner.  It was great for the kids to see their cousins.  They were sad we couldn't stay longer but it was on the road again for us!  We drove to Las Vegas and stayed the night. The next day we drove to riverside where we picked fruit at Grandma and Grandpa Smalley's house. They were not there and were terribly missed!  They are serving a mission in Georgia as the area medical advisers to 7 missions! 

We took a bucket for Shauna's family and a bag to great grandma and Aunt Janet.  Then we were off to Great Grandma's house.

She was in such good spirits, but is very forgetful.  When she opened the door she almost started crying because she didn't realize we were coming.  She couldn't believe we were there.  She is such a sweet wonderful woman!  We were so blessed to spend the evening with her!

That night we stayed at a local hotel and before skipping town we went to the beach (even though it was not a great day for the beach we still made the best of it!)

Can you tell how COLD it was!  Now if we would have gone the next weekend it was perfect weather, that's life!

Then we went to the Murdock's house where they were blessed with an adorable little girl!  I wish I would have taken a picture of the whole family, I just have one with the new baby :)

those cheeks were so kissable!  Aaron was in paint clothes because he was helping Daryl finish up the front room.  The next day was cute Amy's blessing day at church. It also happened to be my birthday!  Shauna and Daryl made a real effort to make my birthday special!  I am so glad Amy didn't notice that I kind of stole her day :)

The next day we shot guns, played with guinea pigs, went to the park and play an awesome game of kickball and street hockey.  That night was filled with pizza, soda, late night games and lots of laughs.  I loved every minute of it!  then it was home again!

We had to stop in Riverside to pick up the produce we had picked.  Fortunately it had it's own seat belt :)

It really has been hard waking up on time, wanting to go outside in the 10 degree weather, but we keep smiling and push though!

Surgery date: January 31st.

Childhood memories

So a friend challenged me to post a childhood memory (from when I was 3, unlike her I don't have THAT good of a memory! so you will just have to get a childhood memory :)  My mom was awesome at Christmas time (she was all of the time, but especially at Christmas)  from making dolls, pound puppies, dresses for her 4 girls, baking goodies, baking goodies, baking goodies, she was flat out unstoppable!  She taught us the importance of helping those who were less fortunate than we were.  One year that really sticks out to me is a time we took a large box of toys and food to someone with a lot of kids and not a lot of money. We drove up with our lights off and quietly took it up to their porch, knocked on the door and ran back to the car where my dad drove away. The look on their faces when they opened the door was great.

Every year, this is where the endless baking of goodies comes into play, we would take a plate of treats to our neighbors and carol at their house.  It was probably one of my most favorite things to do at Christmas :)

Also every year we would make graham cracker houses complete with an outhouse or trading post :)  Today I made graham cracker houses with my kids :)  love it!

part two

So I talked to my doctors surgery scheduler and she said he didn't have anything until February so I was a little anxious to just get it done.   I asked my friend who did her hysterectomy and she gave me the name of her doctor.  I called and he had a spot just right after Christmas.  Perfect right?  Oh, our deductible on our insurance will go up by at least 1,000  for next year so we thought we wanted to save money...right who doesn't want to save 1,000 dollars.  Well, it just didn't feel right for me but I was at least going to see the doctor the following Monday and see.  Any time the kids would say there are 19 days till Christmas I thought there are 20 days until my surgery.  It just didn't seem right...this morning Aaron came down and kissed me and said, I think you need to wait and have it with your doctor.  I felt so happy.  It was just the right thing.  Now we can go about our holidays and not let our insurance company dictate when I am going to have my surgery!

journaling

Just a little disclaimer, I am journaling here, speaking from my heart so I will remember how I felt this day.  About a year and 2 months ago I was painting our front room and I heard a talk about children and i had an overwhelming feeling that we were going to have another little girl.  I was really excited because I had always wanted 5 kids.  I was 5th in my family and I wanted to have 5, I know it sounds weird, but my whole life I knew I wanted at least 5 kids. The only problem with that plan is that Aaron was very complete with 4.  He was done.  We had 4 beautiful children and he was content with 4.  After going to the baby blessing of our niece Erin Moses, Aaron and Sarah both fell in love with the baby.  I told him how I felt and he said that he would be willing to have another child.  We tried for about a year.  Every month I would get so excited and think surly this was the month I was going to get pregnant.  A few months ago, after another conference talk, I thought well it is up to Heavenly Father. If it is right for our family we will have another baby.  Well, I went to have an ultrasound on Friday because the fibroid in my uterus is gigantic and I have been having some serious period problems (like I am currently on day 10).  The technician said she couldn't even see the endometrium and couldn't really tell where the fibroid began and ended because it took over my whole uterus.  I am sad, but I am at peace.  I will probably have a hysterectomy soon.  My heart is sad, but today in church I was looking at all the couples who had a lot fewer children and were very happy with their life.  I love being a mom and especially a mom to a baby, but that time in my life has come and gone.  Now it is time to love and appreciate what I have and teach my children everything I can.  I cried a few times today. In the hall with a dear friend when I said, I am not going to have any more children and when I was talking to my parents and right now.  It is still tender.